I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
You Might Also Like
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
I’m pretty like a car crash.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.