bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
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My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
I bet
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume