Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
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Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
This kid will have a bright future.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
I am yelling
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.