CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
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A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Oh we’ve met.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.