Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
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You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
ok hear me out: Luigiana
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
I missed you with all my darts
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush