if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
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[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
This is my favorite one of these!
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket