Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
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[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”