Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
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6: are snakes just neck?
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion