Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
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If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.