Y’all ready for this
You Might Also Like
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Time heals everything 🙂
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.