Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
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Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
motivation
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.