I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
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Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Okay, I’m still confused…
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Ok who’s got my black socks?
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.