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There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
*checks Timeline*…
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Carpe DM
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.