Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
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COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
lmfao come on
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds