johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
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when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.