This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
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5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.