My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
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13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.