You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
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Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.