What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
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[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.