this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
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#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Boating season is upon us.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.