(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
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Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.