shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
You Might Also Like
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats