My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
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Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks