I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
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Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
mumsnet is amazing
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Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway