When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
You Might Also Like
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.