I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
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It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Mood.. 😂
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Cats are still liquid.