My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
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Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*