[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
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hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.