Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
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TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol