Ha.
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eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
happy mother’s day❤️
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.