Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
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If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
That took me a moment.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
this chia pet tastes awful
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*