Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
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Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god