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*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Who does Amazon think I am?
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.