Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
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[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done