HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
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My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Well, that didn’t work.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.