I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
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I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Travel bloggers during quarantine
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway