Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
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life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.