Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
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Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
This is my cat’s medicine.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night