Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
You Might Also Like
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
opening a flower shop called women in stem
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.