*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
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My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.