RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
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Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said