The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
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If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Good boy 馃槀馃槀
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can鈥檛 hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we鈥檒l probably eventually evolve to fly.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk