We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
You Might Also Like
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.