I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
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There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Incredible customer service.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Merry Christmas
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.