Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
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The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
asked my bf how work was today
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
dutch is not a serious language