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Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
just left a huge legacy in there