*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
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My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.