Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
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Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”