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These are my emotional support Pringles.
Body by sandwich.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”