[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
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I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.